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Tristan vs The Jesus Fish

when i started this adventure, i really thought i’d get to spend more time writing about my funny misadventures. i hope you’re happy with yourself, systemic misogyny. i could’ve told this story¬†weeks¬†ago. okay, like a week. singular. still, you’re a rotter, systemic misogyny. you should be ashamed of yourself.


little known tristan fact: i spent my freshman year of university at Rhodes College. (the one in memphis. i ain’t that smart.) because leaping before i look is my olympic sport of choice, i started at rhodes completely unaware of how heavily christian the institution is. people at rhodes love them some jesus.

and, to be clear, i have nothing against jesus. he said some real smart things about love and compassion and acceptance. i’d give him, like, a 8/10. would def praise again. folks at rhodes, though, were full-on parking outside jesus’s apartment, peeing in a gatorade bottle level of infatuated. you do you, kid, but maybe the messiah needs a little downtime is all i’m saying.

around december, natch, i’d hit my limit of full-bore jesusiness. walking to the cafeteria for breakfast, i came across a jesus fish chalked on the cement of the quad. maybe i was tired and cranky, maybe i’m just an awful person, but i had a little melty. after making sure there was no one nearby to catch me, i spent fully five minutes scuffing up the jesus fish with the soles of my shoes. like a spurned thirteen-year-old with a broken heart, scratching tristan hearts keanu off the covers of my notebooks, i did my best to erase any trace of the jesus fish from the campus quad.

my heart lightened and rejuvenated (by spiting our lord and savior, btw), i practically skipped to the dining hall. after breakfast and my first class, a stroll by the quad revealed the jesus fish had been repaired.

and completed.

’twas not a jesus fish at all.


in my defense, the caption explaining that it was world aids day was not there when i went on my scuffing rampage. but still.

not only was i violently atheistic, i was also a homophobic bigot. could i have been more offensive to more people? yes, i’m sure at least two of you can figure out how, but maybe just keep it to yourself because the world is awful enough.

it probably goes without saying that i only lasted one year at rhodes, finishing my college career at mississippi state university. go, dawgs!




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